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My friend's family held her wake for the last two days. I didn't go yesterday because I had to be in Long Island at 1:30. Also I didn't want to go to a wake and then a party. It just didn't seem right. I left my daughter with my husband and I went to the 2:00 session. I couldn't believe how many people were there. The line was out of the door. I waited... in no rush to get up front. As soon as you walked in the building you could hear the mother screaming and crying. It was just heart breaking. I got near the front and met her sister. We embraced and I said nothing because what could you say? I'm sorry - why does she care if I'm sorry? It's going to be okay? It's not going to be okay. So I hugged her as tight as I could and said not one word. Then it was my turn to go to the casket. I couldn't even look at Nicole... forget about walking next to her. So I didn't go. I rather remember her the way she was anyway. People were saying how beautiful she looked. So that's good... I guess. I made it through the line of immediate family members and I began to shake as I reached the parents.
I hugged the father and immediately started crying. I was crying because of my loss. But mostly because I know how strong he is being for his wife and how brave he was being in front of everyone. He started crying in my arms and I lost it.  I just lost it. And I felt so selfish because I was supposed to be there for them - not the other way around. I got to her mother and it just all broke down from there.
There were four families on my block that were all very close. We are all around the same age. We all married and moved away but two years ago we all got pregnant the same month. Not intentionally - but it was like it was MEANT to happen. Each family had a child who was due in June or July of 2005. It was so wonderful. We said that all our children would grow up together just like we did. You couldn't have planned it better. Nicole was one of those four. We've celebrated christenings and birthdays all together. We made one another so busy - but with parties so it was welcomed.
The mother started crying to me about how this wasn't supposed to happen. How Kayla (Nicole's daughter) was supposed to grow up with the rest of the kids. And how now it isn't going to happen. I told her - 'Of course it will happen. We will all make sure of it.' She said 'You promise?' and I said 'I swear on my life I will make it happen.' And Nicole's father said - 'Don't swear on your life Vera.' I couldn't believe I said such a stupid thing! I didn't mean to say that. I just meant I PROMISE and I really do promise. But I guess I wasn't thinking. I know they know I wasn't being malicious. But I wished I chose my words better.
I stood as long as I could and I left. The day after Thanksgiving I cook a mini-Thanksgiving meal just for me and my husband. Thanksgiving is so wonderful. But with so many people... sometimes it's just too hectic. So I make a mini-meal and we take our time and enjoy our most favorite parts. It's our little tradition. So I am almost done with that meal. I can't wait just to eat and relax and then go to sleep. It's been such a hard day.
Tomorrow is the funeral. 9:30 in the morning at the church of the school we all used to go to. I'm bringing my daughter tomorrow so I won't go to the cemetery. I couldn't handle that anyway.  Thanks for reading. I just had to get this off my chest.